Does it ever go away?

Unless they have it, no one truly understands what it’s like to live every day with unbearable pain.

A day in the life of a person with endometriosis or any other type of painful chronic condition starts the same way: it hurts too much to get out of bed and the fatigue is enough to make life seem not worth living.

Lately, it’s been that way for me. Will the pain ever get better? Will I ever feel some form of relief? Will this nagging, incessant feeling of sadness mixed with grief and sprinkled (generously) with despair ever go away? Or am I destined to live out my remaining days in pain, always two steps behind every one else, gasping for air and struggling to stay afloat?

Some days, it’s too overwhelming. I’ve toyed with the idea of just being done. My body hurts too much.

I toss away thoughts of others’ judgements of me. They think perhaps, “She’s faking.”

“She’s exaggerating.”

“It can’t be THAT bad.”

“She’s lazy.”

“She doesn’t work as hard as us.”

“She doesn’t look sick.”

I have to put those judgements aside, because otherwise I’ll go insane and feel even more guilty about all the things I’m unable to complete. I have to put away my own feelings of failure to survive.

My energy is spent. My quality of life is poor. I rarely go out and when I do, I spend days in recovery. People really don’t understand that I carefully have to plan how I spend my energy. If I choose not to go somewhere, it’s not a reflection on the person who asked me to accompany them; it’s about whether I can do the activity and still have enough energy to go about the rest of my week.

I grieve the life I could have had if my body was not so broken. Every day I question myself: Am I able to do more? Is that all the energy I’ve willing to give to this particular activity and if not, will that decision affect my mental health, my body, my pain, my sanity?

Relationships are in constant peril. I used to be outgoing. Going out several times a week with different friend groups. Now, if I’m not at work, I stay home, mostly in bed, to conserve energy. To recover from the day. Friends forget me.

The amount of medicine I take is criminal. No one should have to take as many pills, supplements, treatments as I do to have a functional life.

People don’t truly understand what it’s like to be in constant, unbearable pain. Unless they feel it too, they can never truly get it.

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