Two days

In less than 48 hours I’ll be under the metaphorical knife having my uterus and cervix removed. As expected, I’m a bundle of nerves.

I’ve spent the last few days trying to be good to myself, enjoying what freedom I have left and moving as much as possible. I reckon I might enjoy some time to myself after the surgery but mostly, I’ll be lonely.

That’s the main reason I’ve decided to spend my “final days” hanging out. I even broke keto, which I had been following strictly for several weeks.

I’m worried. What if I’m making the wrong decision? What if I waited too long? What if there’s something wrong with me and it prevents me from having surgery? What if I’ll be in pain forever?

I’m feeling so many emotions. Of course, I’m also fearful that I’ll be handicapped after this, both emotionally and physically. I’m losing an organ after all.

What if there’s a complication from the surgery? I’m sitting here just worrying over all these things and I realize it’s irrational. It doesn’t prevent it.

This hysterectomy will mark my third surgery directly related to endometriosis and adenomyosis in four years. My first time being in Hawaii. So much has changed since then…

I really wish I had taken some time alone to reflect and meditate on how this surgery will affect me in the first couple of weeks. I suppose there’s still time.

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