Overwhelming insecurities

Less than a week remains until my surgery and I’m all nerves.

This is the second surgery I’ve had for endometriosis, but it doesn’t lessen the anxiety that has begun to manifest itself in different ways throughout my body.

I’m eating more again. I don’t want to get up. I have racing thoughts. Can’t focus. My body feels weak, fatigue spreading through my once proud and strong arms. Everything is blurry.

I know these symptoms all too well. They dominated my life in 2017. But I persevered. Stuck it out.  

After my last surgery in 2016, I couldn’t walk for a week. I thought –foolishly—that I’d be up and out the door, back to work in two days at the most. The pain that followed that surgery was worse than before. I called the doctor multiple times. Ultrasound, vaginal ultrasound, physical vaginal inspection, another ultrasound, pee in a cup.

“There’s nothing we can do.”

The pain on my left side, where my ovary would be, was unlike any pain I’d ever felt. I asked for my painkillers, but I used them sparingly.

The surgery was supposed to help, but it just intensified what I was already experiencing. I later learned that cauterizing the endo implants only created scar tissue that could created more problems in the body.

That was nearly two years ago.

For my second surgery, I am hoping that he cuts away most – if not all—the endo implants that have taken over my uterus, ovaries and bowels.

I can be hopeful. It helps ease my anxiety. 

Have something to add?